Friday, September 5, 2008

Bestfriend

Last night i talked to my bestfriend
after i said i wouldn't talk to him for like 3 months
but it had only been 2 weeks or so
but i couldn't take it anymore.
i didn't turn out the way i thought it would be
i thought he would be happy to talk to me
but he wasn't really
and we fought
i cried for at least 3 hours last night
because in a way i lost my bestfriend
he said i hadn't been there for him
when he knows i couldn't cause it hurt too much
i just wanna work things out with him
so hopefully i do
i need to talk to him today
at school we just looked at eachother
its such a complicated situation
i want my bestfriend back
but he said he wasn't sure
i need him there for me
a promise is a promise
always and forever

Thursday, September 4, 2008

not perfect

What really upsets me sometimes
is how people think my life is perfect.
My life is far from being perfect,
but i don't express myself enough for people to know
how exactly my life is going.
Ok so yeah i live in a nice house,
but does that make me rich
no it doesn't just because it is quite large.
You don't know me yet many times people assume what they think.
You see my family and think we're perfect,
all smiles and no worries.
My family has been through alot and i'm lucky to have them around still.
My parents aren't perfect, they have moments when they fight
but in the end they work it out
but everytime they yell, i get so scared.
I have to listen to my parents fight with my older sister
but you wouldn't know that.
How is my life perfect when most days i hardly ever spend time with my parents
or even my older siblings.
My mum and dad work so hard so we have something to live off
and my Brother and sister are working to help them out.
So most days you could say its just me and my little sister.
We take care of ourselves because our parents aren't there every minute to help us out.
My family is big, but its rare that we're all here to eat dinner together at night.
My life is not perfect,
when my family is together, some times i have to hide in my room
while my older sister fights with my parents,
all i here is shouting and i see my sister cry.
It's hard to say everything is all smiles
for i would be lying.
i hate the fact people think i'm smart,
yes i do work hard in school
so when i do finish i can go university and get a good job
so i can help out my parents with money problems we may have.
Everyday i go to school and forget about everything
because i have all my friends there to make me smile.
Without a doubt they are the best people in the world
and they accept me for who i am.
i feel accepted.
My dad is ill and i have to watch him everyday struggle to go to work
i'm afraid he'll die and i'll lose him forever.
My father is very important to me and i can't live without him.
No-one knows me, not even my family.
I'm not that happy, and nice girl everyone thinks i am.
I'm actually an emotional, depressed girl who struggles to get through each day.
I carry with me all my burdens but rely on my group to help me forget about them.
When my spirit needs a lift i turn to them and my family.
They are a small bunch of people, less than 10 of them
but that just makes us close
and next year some of us are going our separate ways which scares the hell out of me.
They mean the world to me and i never want to lose them.
Everyday for me is a heart break
since the day my heart was broken by the guy i truly loved.
We're still friends but nowadays we're not talking for i told him to give me space.
3 months i said and it's only been 15days.
I'm coping cause i have my friends with me.
There has been problems in the group and we've been separating
and it's all because of me.
It's because of me for i left the group and went my own way
because i started to feel left out
since the day me and one of my close friends started fighting
Today everything got better but it's still really hard to trust her.
I love every single one of them but it doesn't change the fact that
i still struggle to accept the fact that my life is complicated.
no-one knows me yet they all judge me.
Me and My bestfriend have alot of things happen to us,
at one stage we were seeing eachother but when that ended my heart broke.
We're still bestfriends but it's just harder now for he moved on.
i'm having time apart from him
hoping that he won't give up on me.
it has been a month and a few days since we broke up but i still cry because of it.
If you still think my life is perfect, you're wrong.
I've been so selfish by how i left the group for a bit
i didn't even notice, how my bestest friend in the group was taking it.
I didn't think she minded but i was mistaken.
she was taking it pretty bad, and she is one of the strongest people i know.
She has always been there for me but when she needed me i wasn't there.
I'm trying my best to help out my friends and make a change.
I want everything to be all good again,
soon it will be cause i already have enough to worry about.
Friends, Family, School,Love. I struggle with everything
i just hope people stop thinking my life is great
that its perfect when they don't even know me.
My life isn't the best, most days i wish it was better
but you just have to take life how it is everyday
and hope someday every worry and fear just goes away
and in a way i believe it will
because i have the greatest people in the world guiding me along the way
Alive and dead souls are helping me.
My family is the greatest support i have,
i miss my cousins because i hardly see them,
most of them i can't see
and i miss how fun it was to see them and have great memories.
They're all gone but i'll never forget them,
I pray everyday for a cure to stop all the pain i feel
from the fear of losing people, that they will die.
i pray that God will help me, enjoy the time i have left with the people
who are close to me who don't have very long.
I miss all my relatives who have passed away but i know they'll always be looking over me
My life isn't perfect, i can't express that enough.
Just i know someday everything will get better
and when that day comes i'll be the happiest girl alive
but right now i'm struggling to smile most days.
Someday is all i can really say
Someday!!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

i love you but i can't

Obviously this is what i have become, someone i always feared I'd be.
I'm not the type of person to be jealous but i can't help myself.
She has taken my place and i have no say in what is happening.
She's so great and so perfect that even i don't compare to her.
You make such a great couple and i should be happy for you
but i'm not because i'm still in love with you.
A small part of me is happy that you found someone
but most of me is dying inside at the thought of you being with someone else.
You seemed so happy when you were with me
but when it ended you moved on so straight away.
I didn't for i just kept holding on,
hoping that someday you will come back to me.
You said that we'll always be best friends which is great
but it still breaks me heart to see that some other girl
makes you feel the way i used to make you feel.
I'm fooling myself thinking that you will come back to me,
i'm being a fool thinking that we were meant to be
but how can that be if you are happily taken by someone else
who obviously is not me.
She's a lucky girl to have you, i know you'll make her happy
just like you made me feel.
You'll always be special to me
and i will always love you until the day i die.
I asked for you to give me space,
and i'm so pleased you agreed.
I said 3 months at the most
and i stick by that, i just need to do this for me.
I need to move on and leave you behind
but after all this i know we'll go back to how we used to be,
Best friends until the very end.
Its been 2 weeks since i lasted talked to you
and trust me i miss you so much
but i know i need to complete the time to know
i don't have to be so Dependant on you
and that i can do things on my own.
Its just hard because i see you everyday at school.
What we had before was great and i know i'll have that with someone else
but when i had it with you it felt perfect but i know
you won't come back to me because i know she is better than me.
Some times i feel that you never really loved me like you said you did
and nowadays since i'm not talking to you
you make it seem like you still feel for me like you did before.
You never wanted to hurt me, was what you said to me.
You said that nothing will change, that what we have is special
and we were perfect the way we were.
What happened to that, it does hurt and everything changed.
What we had is gone and theres no way we'll get that back.
You're my best friends and trust me nothing will change that
but most times now you make it seem like you don't even care anymore
and that cuts me deeply, More than you could possibly know.
You have convinced me that i mean nothing to you, by the way you're acting .
Yes i know i came up with this whole thing of not talking for 3 months
but that wasn't the signal for you to give up on me.
When i said best friends till the end
i meant it and i won't take that back.
You've given up on me cause i'm not talking to you
and it breaks my heart more than you already did .
i love you so much as my best friend and as much much more
i just can't accept that you're with someone else.
I never wanted you to give up on me and i hope you don't
i love you best friend always and forever.
And thats what i promise to you until the day i die
Always And Forever!!