Wednesday, June 30, 2010

still crying but better

well A.P the guy, A.P the girl, A.I and A.C the girl
have been talking to me

Start with A.P the guy,
i asked him for more details about this girl
and from what he said
they hooked up on the bus like 3 weeks ago
i was like WTF
and yeah
he said that HE said that he doesnt like her
and i was like okay
and i told him how they didnt seem like that today when i saw them

A.P the girl
keeps telling me to relax
she is my bestfriend and should know i cant
i just saw the guy i love with another girl
like come on

me and him had a DNM
cause he knows what i'm going through
he started to tell me how he is like close to HIM
and knows that he hates that other girl
and that he is scared of her and stuff
and that he'll never get with her
we talked about how we felt about our significant others and such
and yeah
it was good
we understand each other :)
we know where the other person is coming from

A.C the girl
stayed on the phone with me for how long
as i started to vent
and cry it all out
she tells me i should say something to him
and i want to
but idk if i can
i dont want to fight with him
he is leaving for queensland on monday
ima miss him heaps

my older sister made me feel fucking stupid
by saying "why do you even care"
what kind of question is that
i love him thats why i fucking care
faaaaa it just made me cry more
she makes it sound like i'm being stupid
that i'm being retarded
thats why i'm single
thats why he doesnt want to be with me
fuck she just doesnt get it

well those are a brief outline of my talks
i cried so much already
i dont want him to know i'm hurt
i want him to be happy
i just dont want to feel the way i did with my ex
it seems the same thing happened
theres always another girl
who is chosen instead of me
i dont want to fight anymore with him
i dont want to lose him like i lost my ex
i love him too much
it'll just hurt more
i cant stop loving him
but i know i love him alot
because of all the shit i tolerate for him
all the pain
but it all goes away
by a simple smile
a simple hug
a little surprise
he makes me happy the most
but he also makes me sad
but i would never change him
cause its him i love
not an image
i love him very much
with my heart always


i didnt really talk to him all day
and so in a way J.M the guy filled his space
he was being a doosh to me LOL
like we hugged a couple of times
and i kept pushing him
and him pushing me
it was cool
he makes me smile lots
then i finally get a chance to speak to HIM
i smile
but the first thing he says to me is
"your sister is looking for you"
i asked where and stuff
and he told me up front
so i tapped him on the back saying bye
and as i leave his side
i hear him say bye too
me and my sister then walk to the station
and i see him there
which made me happy
but with SOME OTHER girl
i didnt know who she was
and like i didnt plan to
he saw me and my sister
and waved to us
with a big smile
i just smiled at him
then said hi
then walked right past to leave him with her
cause they seemed real close
like she was holding him
and they were hugging and yeah
i then just stood far away
with my sister
still watching them
seeing her put her head on his shoulder like i do
hugging him like i do
being around his friends like i do
them being like literally close
like i am with him
when i stand with him
i started to call A.P the girl
i needed to tell her bout this
i needed to get this out
YES i was jealous
YES i was pissed off too
if he had a girlfriend i should know about it
but i didnt
but then again i didnt know for sure she was his gf
A.P the girl never answered
and yeah
so we got on the bus
i thought maybe i can talk to him on the bus when this girl wasnt around
but she went on the bus too
which made me more sad
the bus then stopped at his primary school
and we saw his brother and L.N
L.N saw me and waved with a smile
i smiled back and put up the peace sign
he then got off at his bus stop
but before he got off he said bye to the girl
it seemed he bended down to kiss her
either on the cheek or lips idk
but i know he doesnt like the cheeking thing
so it might of been a kiss
i really dont know
he then went off the bus
without a bye to me
which made me more sad
i saw him as the bus started to drive away
he smiled
an awkward smile
not his usual happy smile
idk maybe i was being stupid
i told my sister i was going to go A.C the girls house
we then stopped at the shops
so i can buy my usual after school food
a sausage roll and drink
but we saw A.P the guy and one of the boys A.I
i then full ran to him
and hugged him
he asked me what was wrong
asking if it was HIM and stuff
and then i started describing this girl to them
and by the look on their faces i knew they knew who i was talking about
so i asked the next obvious question
when they didnt answer me the first time
i asked again
and they told me
it was some girl HE hooked up with
at a party i'm guessing
but they told me not to worry cause she like that with him
thats she is a slut and all that
that she is a skank and shit
and that should of made me feel better but it didnt
i just started crying
i kept hugging A.P the guy
i started to tell them how she was acting the way i do around him
and like i asked if i was a slut and shit too
they said i wasnt and yeah
well i stopped crying and just told them i was going A.C the girls house
A.P the guy hugged me bye
and they told me not to worry
cause she is noone
that HE said to them that he will never go for her
and it made me kinda glad
cause it seemed none of his friends liked her
or something
i then left them to keep eating
and walked to get my food and go to A.C the girl's
i walked to her house
but she wasnt home
so i just walked home
and started to write here
A.P the guy messaged me saying how HE isnt gonna go for her
and yeah
but idk
i had gotten used to the girls at school
but i realised i dont know all the girls from outside of school
how come i didnt know about this girl
how come he didnt tell me
i thought we were bestfriends
i dont know how many hook ups he's had
we never talked about that stuff
i dont want to be another number to him
i'm his bestfriend
like we havent done shit
in a way thats good
idk sometimes i'm fed up of loving him
but its not like i can stop
i love him too much
but i just find out more stuff about him
and like everytime it makes me sad
cause its not with me
i need to realise that
but that girl acts the same way i do with him
does that make me a slut too
does that make me another girl in his life
does that make me unimportant

no matter who he is
i promise to love him
no matter what he has done
i'll love him
i just cant stop loving him
i just get hurt so easy
get jealous too easy
i need to put my feelings aside to really be a good bestfriend
i need to accept him for everything he is
no matter what he has done
i love him very much
i just hope i dont become another number
no matter what we end up becoming
as long as we stay bestfriends forever
i shouldnt complain

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My bestfriend

today was good
besides the coldness ><"
nothing interesting happened today
so i'll just talk about him LOL
well the first time i saw him was at recess
i was walking to my group
and he was walking back to the others in our sector
and we saw each other so he stopped
and we hugged
he asked how i was
and i think i never answered lol
or i might of said i was good
we then hugged again
and asked him if he was busy this weekend
cause i know that hes leaving for queensland next monday
and it makes me sad
cause he is gone for a week
so i wanted to do something for him
and thats why i asked him if he was busy
he told me he was
cause he has HEAPS of assignments and stuff
i got sad
and so we hugged
i told him i was gonna miss him
and so we kept hugging
he told me he was only gone for a week
but come on ITS A WEEK
and so we hugged again
we kept hugging
some long ones too
i could feel his head on my shoulder
cause i am so short
i then told him i'd talk to him later
and yeah we went to our groups
the next time i saw him was during the assembly
it was a whole school one
and he was called up for an award for debating
he went up
and i felt proud of him
i was looking at him
and he saw me
so he smiled a big smile
which i always love to see
and so i smiled back and then he went back to his seat
i then saw him at lunch
we hugged again
and i said congrats
and then we talked
i told him how i watched the rest of the season of big bang
and then we talked about how he was leaving
i kept telling him how i'll miss him
we talked about me being a ninja LOL
we talked about him debating
he got asked to rep the school but instead he is going
and we also talked about how to spell his lastname
i found out a way how to remember
and yeah so i told him
then after a while we just stopped talking and went our separate groups
i didnt see him for the rest of the day
but me and my sister talked about him
cause she loves him
like as a brother
like she thinks he's perfect for me
like i do
and yeah
well i thought id see him at the station
but i didnt
he must of went home
well i love him very much
i found it so cute when he smiled at me
it made me smile hard out
i kept saying "he smiled at me" to my friends

Me and J.M the guy hung out bits a pieces today
first it was in the morning like always
we hugged like always LOL
i also said thanks to him for commenting and watching my video
he was the first person
and only person to comment on my cover i made
and it was a sweet one
saying how he was proud of him and stuff
then i saw him before period 3
cause we have class together
we hugged
and talked bout lots of stuff
its so easy to just talk to him
like about anything
he is the best
one of my bestfriends
i love him like a brother
then we hugged and he went off to help set up assembly

i'm lucky to have these guys in my life
one that i love with my heart
as a bestfriend and more
and the other as like a brother
an older brother
even though he is younger than me LOL
i love them very much

gaaaa the term is almost over
i'm gonna miss everyone over the holidays
cause everyone i know is busy :(
i love him very much

Monday, June 28, 2010

Awesome, for a little while

well today was good
first i come into tutor to pay my teacher back
for like paying for me the other day when we ordered food for pastrol
but he wouldnt take it
lol so yeah i spent it on something else
then it was period 1
before that as i was exiting i hugged J.M the guy
i guess it was a phase
cause i am fine now
like i only like HIM
not J.M
i guess i was just sad that HIM doesnt treat me as good as J.M the guy does
but oh well
at recess was when i talked to HIM
i was with my crew and he comes up
and i hug him
i asked him if he saw my cover online
but he didnt see it
but i told him i sent him a link
so it should be fine
i told him to watch it
i hope he does
well that was basically the only time i talked to him today
during period 3 i saw him go to english
i full just waved at him
and he waved back
cause he was far away from me LOL
it was funny cause A.C the girl was like WHO ARE YOU WAVING AT?
well then in EXP which was fourth period
i was telling my teacher about my cover i recorded
she was about to look it up
but the schools internet was majorly slow
so was didnt get the chance
my teacher is so cute
she was telling us how she waited all night to hear from her bf
cause he is travelling
and yeah
she couldnt sleep
i found it cute
well then it was lunch
and as i was about ti sit with my crew
me and HIM looked at each other and smiled
L.A and me used to be heaps close
but we kinda drifted
then i became kinda close with her old group
then all this drama happened today
which i got dragged into
which i guess i couldnt help
its what i get for being friends with all of them
well idk whats going on
i got stressed
L.A was crying
like LOTS
then i went to talk to the others
L.A goes off somewhere
i get worried
i find her with E.M
and tell her i was worried
and she gives me attitude
as if i'm the bitch
sometimes i feel like giving up on her
but shes my friend
sometimes i feel like a bad person
cause i talk to both sides
about both sides
am i a backstabbing bitch
well thats basically all that happened
then i came home

last time i check my video had 59 views :)
thanks everyone who watched <3
keep watching
i'll try and put up a vid
once a month
love you all

Sunday, June 27, 2010


Promoting My brothers crew :)

Nothing On You REMIX


Bedrock REMIX

Move (If You Wanna) REMIX


Hey Daddy REMIX

Airplanes REMIX

Find Your Love REMIX

ALSO check out my brothers page

heres one of his videos i like very much

Tightrope REMIX

well thats it for now from me

i’ve become obsessed with putting up videos lol

so if i find cool stuff on youtube that i like

i’ll put it up

starting now

cause i cbf putting up all the ones i found in the past LOL


ROUNDCIRCLE, update soon


Being Busy

yesterday i tried to keep busy

so that i could get my mind off everything happening

first thing i did was record my first ever cover

i dedicated it to my bestfriend HIM

and my two other little sisters A.C the girl and M.C

its on youtube now

heres the video so you guys can watch it

but be sure to visit my page

after i did that

i watched the rest of big bang theory season 3


i want season 4 to be made already ><”

then i got a message off N.A

she asked if i wanted to stay over her house

and like do karaoke and stuff

i asked the rents

and because i hardly ever go out

they let me :)

i then went over her house

and it was heaps of fun

D.C was there too

it was great :)

there was singing


and so on

it was great fun

i also realised

that the 3 of us all go to different schools

but we always seem to still be able to meet up

we then went to bed

and woke up this morning

then she dropped me home

it was awesome

all my worries went away for the day

well guys

i feel like i should bore you with my retarded stuff


so from time to time

i’ll just tell how my day was

like with my other people

besides him :)

dont forget to watch my video


Friday, June 25, 2010

One guy THEN Two guys

yep basically the title says it all
well let me first tell you about my day with HIM
and then i will tell you about my day with J.M the guy
yeah thats right
i'm putting it out there cause he is one of my bestfriends and like

well today i knew that if i saw him
i would know that i love him very much
and i did see him
and i did know i love him very much
the first time i saw him was at the beginning of recess
he was trying to figure out which locker was his
cause he lost his key last year
and now he cant rememeber which one is it LOL
well i went up to him
we hugged and said hello
and then he walked off to find something i think
well after that i went to my group
and then i went to Talk to A.C the girl and M.C
but more on that later
i kept staring at him
thinking how great he is
how he is my bestfriend
and also how he is different from J.M the guy
i didnt talk or anything with him after that
well at least that i could think of
i saw him a couple of times
but it wasnt until the end of the day
when i saw him at the school entrance
i tapped him on the shoulder
and we said hi to each other
we then started talking about
and multicultural day
and how he is going to Queensland for the first week of holidays
stuff like that
i called him a bitch
cause he was going to queensland for the first week
and he made a sad face and said i know
and i just replied
"dont worry, i still love you"
idk if it is too soon to say that again
but he seemed OK with it
but it might of just brought on too much
idk, and i'm not gonna worry
cause it annoys him when i worry
and then we hugged and i went off to walk to the station while he caught bus
i walked with L.C the guy
since he broke up with his girlfriend, he generally walks
and yeah so i walk with him
He started to tell me how his ex goes up to (HIM) and asks for hugs
which i found that okay at first until L.C the guy told me that she never hugged him
when they were going out
then i started to think it was wrong
well we eventually got to the station
after a good talk
and he went to go buy a drink
when we came out of the shop
we saw HIM and the other boys
we walked up to them
and like talked for a bit
i then happened to mention L.C the guy was single
HIM was like "REALLY"
me and A.P the guy just laughed
cause thats like old news now
well he then hugged L.C the guy
and then he started to tell us how he had bird a bird shit on his shoulder
L.C the guy was like good i didnt touch it lol
and then i was like there there to HIM, touching his other shoulder
and then he's like theres bird shit
and kept putting it to my face
i was like wtf
and just kept laughing
he then walked off to like buy something with the other boys
while i stayed with L.C the guy and A.P the guy
and yeah we talked
then all of a sudden the boys came back
and so we went to the bus bay
and then the bus came
and i said bye to L.C the guy
and went on to the bus
i sat down and as HIM walked past me to sit on the bus
i gave him a hi five and he smiled at me
which makes my heart melt everytime
i then sat on the bus alone
and then it stopped at his stop
he said bye to his boys
and i waited
for that simple smile
for that simple wave
but nothing he just walked off the bus
and i just sat in my seat looking at him walk away
as my heart started to cry
i was cut
not even a goodbye
not anything
my day seemed only half fulfilled
by him at least

J.M the guy;
i see him every morning
and mostly throughout the day
he walked into the room
and suddenly i felt what i have been feeling for the past couple of days
i had a crush on him
but i didnt know how deep
before i continue i better write some stuff about like last night
well last night was creative arts night
and like i went with M.C and my little sister
the beginning was quite boring so me and M.C walked out
then the doors opened for the art show and stuff
so we went in to have a look
eventually i bumped into him
and like then i hugged him
from the side at least
then he had his arm around me
for like a few seconds
and i we like walked for a bit
and i asked if he was performing
and he told me he was
and so i said i would def. watch it
then he went off somewhere
not quite sure where
i saw him again when we were still walking
i saw him calling after his mum
which i found cute
i went up to him and asked if that was his parents
and he was full like yeah
and i told him how he looked nothing like them LOL
and he was full like thank you
and we hugged
then he went after his mum again
then it was his performance
and when he got up there i full was WOOOOOOOOOOOing
and when it was done i full yelled his name
it was very awesome
he was AMAZING up there
at the end of the night
i went looking for him and i found him
he was looking for one of the teachers
and he started to full shake me
then i told him how great he did
and he said thank you
and we full hugged
he then lifted me
and while still hugging and carrying me
he started to turn to the sides
left and right
it was fun and really cute
then he told me how his rents wanted to go home
well then he left
the last time i saw him that night was when he walked past me
he was talking to his rents
but he had the time to stop
and smile at me
and i yelled back saying see you tomorrow
which started all this confusion that occurred to me when i woke up this morning
so now back to where i was up to
as he walked into the room
i felt my heart sink a bit
he is so cute
and so sweet and nice to me
and i saw him in a way i didnt usually see him
until now
i was sitting on the table
and he was sitting on the one behind me
then moved to the chair behind me
i then turned and talked to him
we talked about the other night
and stuff like that
he started looking at photos on his itouch from the night
and they were good
we then talked bout his awesome guitar skill LOL
the class was now involved
and yeah
i played with his hair
then the bell rang
and i started talking to him
like how was he
at this point i had my arm around him
and because he was so tall
it was difficult
i asked him what did he have now
and like he totally didnt know
i then guessed what he had
according to what he usually had when i had study or religion
and i got it RIGHT
he was full laughing
saying thank you
then i said bye and walked to class
i then spoke to him a bit at the end of period 3
as i was heading to my next class
i bumped into him
and we hugged while
he asked how i was
and i said okay
i then asked him what he had that period
he told me i think religion
and he then asked me the same thing
and i said english
then we both smiled
waved at each other
and walked apart
the next time i spoke to him cause i like see him alot
was in my period 5 class
which i have with him i was at the front
as my teacher was marking my book
so i started to talk to him and his friend
they totally looked like they were doing work LOL like always
LOL not even
well then at the end of the class as usual
at the end of math
we hug :)
and then we talk for a bit before we go apart
we talk about random stuff
sometimes about math
sometimes about other stuff
today was about the new Prime Minister
cause its a female
they were making sexist jokes
well i then became late for class
i said i needed to give an assignment in
we hugged a last time
and i told him to have a good weekend
and he told me to have a good weekend too
we smiled then went to class

That was the day with both of them
my two best guy friends
they both make me heart beat fast
just HIM makes it go faster than J.M the guy does
i love HIM very much
that will never change
he is my bestfriend
and like the best thing to walk into my life
and J.M is one of the sweetest guys i know
he is easy to talk to
and like says the nicest stuff to me

i woke up feeling confused
at this point i know who i love, or like
and its not J.M
its HIM
i know i might have a little crush on J.M but its not like how i feel for HIM
i asked a couple of people for advice
the first person i asked was E.M this morning
i told her
and she asked me who i felt with my heart
do i want to be with
and i said J.M cause he is so much nicer to me nowadays
but i love HIM so much more than J.M
she told me to see what happens in a couple of months
like whats the course of my life
destine, fate
i then asked A.C and M.C at recess
and M.C told me how she likes HIM more for me
than she does J.M
she saw how i was at creative arts
i was close to him but she knows i love HIM more
and he seems more perfect for me
A.C knows i love HIM more
but she also told me how J.M is also a nice guy
and i know he is
the funny thing at this point was that HIM and J.M are also friends
and me and A.C full turned to look at them
and we saw them wave at each other ><"
grrrr my two guy bestfriends
and i'm confused LOL
and they are friends
even worse
K.C told me during study
that i like HIM more
cause i talk about him more
that like yeah i like him more
its so obvious
A.P the girl then said how i like HIM more too
and i also told L.C the girl
the whole story
all she said was WOW and yeah she didnt know what to do
i believe them all
cause its true
i do love and like HIM more than i do J.M
it just how it is
i am like really good friends with J.M
he is like my other guy bestfriend
and like i love him like a friend
he makes me smile and laugh
and makes me feel better when i'm sad
but so does HIM
but in a different way
he is my bestfriend
and i love him with my heart and soul
he makes everything better
with a hug, hello and a goodbye
just a smile from him makes me happy
i'm in love with him very much
i just feel that with HIM
me and him can only talk when we're alone
when he is with no-one i can hug and talk to him
and nothing feels weird
like we're better outside of school
on the phone and such
like cause we hardly hang out in school
like we kinda do but not as much
but we're still bestfriends
BUT its different with J.M
in school we're heaps close
we hug and talk whenever we see each other in school
like sometimes we walk with each other around the school
when we're moving through classes
which i wish i could do with HIM
but i dont
if both guys were combined
they would make the perfect guy
i love both of them
but in different ways
i just wish sometimes HIM would be more like J.M in someways
in the way he treats me
but i cant force anything on to him
and i love him how he is
just like if he could show he cares about me
and that i am his bestfriend
it would make me happier
at times its also embarrassing to say i have a tiny crush on J.M
cause of all the other girls that go after him
and i'm sure he likes one of them right now
and i'm not gonna get in the way
me and him are HEAPS close
and i know we always will be
but i love HIM very much
not J.M
cause he is my bestfriend and the best thing ever to walk into my life
J.M will always be there for me
and i'm glad he is
and i will always be there for him
he makes me smile
just, HIM has already stole my heart
my heart melts everytime we're close
and i just get so nervous around him i lose words
i might still get confused
but i know who i love
and i know that no matter what
i will always still have my two guy bestfriends

Before i sign off i wanted to share what J.M said about me
he was there for me when i was crying
and wrote this to me to cheer me up
it was really sweet
and thought i should share it with you guys
he is just the greatest friend
my other guy bestfriend
"you are a very positive person, who care, is friendly, good sense of humour hence why you have many friends.. i tend to see that you can get attached to people, that not always a bad thing.. as long as you know where your boundaries are. which you normally do, i always see a smile on your face and definitely bring smiles to other peoples faces (:"
isnt he sweet
i love him as a friend very much
i dont want to ruin it by liking him
i may have a little crush on him
i just hope it doesnt grow

i love HIM very much
i hope that never changes
he is the greatest bestfriend in the world
the best guy in my life
the one i want in my life forever
he puts that smile on my face everyday
everything he does for me
makes me love him more
i cant live without him
and i hope that never changes

i hope my confusion goes away
it seems to be clearing up
i know that if i see HIM
i know i fall in love with him all over again
i just hate when i'm away from him
cause i miss him so much
sometimes it hurts
i just think about my love for him
and how much he cares for me
and i feel all better again
i love HIM
and i care about J.M very much

P.S sorry if this whole thing does not makes sens e
i just write what i'm thinking
and how i'm feeling
love all my readers

and shout out to A.C the girl
so glad we worked our shit out
love you little sister

Thursday, June 24, 2010

FOR A.C the girl

If you love him
you should do what your heart tells you
and i know you want to be with him
stop hiding it
i can see its killing you
and i dont like that
he may need time
but remember sometimes time is good
but sometimes its bad
you need to talk to him
you need to let him know where you stand
think about yourself right now
not him

he is such a nice guy
very funny and sweet
he makes me laugh
he is perfect for you
i know he feels something for you too
dont think he doesnt
or else he wouldnt be like this
he likes you very much
just too scared to lose you
like all people are when they start liking a friend
babe i love you
and i love him
and you guys need to work it out

this distance between the two of you
is just separating you more
and i dont want to see you like you were today
i dont like seeing you down
it breaks my heart
and i'm sure it breaks his too
we both want you to be happy
and we both want whats best
SMILE for me and him

if you guys dont get together now
thats fine
as long as you guys work hard to save your friendship
and you never know he might make up his mind in the future

someday you will meet someone
as special as he means to you now
as special as HIM means to me
someday you will feel what i feel
like everyone wants
i know my situation and past experiences arent the best
i know i'm not a good example
but i want you to be happy
and learn what i have learnt from my mistakes
i dont want you two to fight like me and my ex did
i dont want that for you
at the end of my relationship with him
all was did was fight and fight
after we said we would stay friends
and after he gave me space to breathe
eventually it was just too much
and stopped talking completely
i know its different for you
i hope it is
well i know it is

i love HIM [my guy] very much
and you might not feel the same way for yours
but trust its the best
even if we decided to stay friends like you two have
but at least we're close
while i know you two are drifting
we talk about our shit
you guys dont and i want you guys to

i love you very much
there is plenty of guys out there
if this one isnt the ONE
but remember what i always say
maybe a heart needs to break in order to find someone to put it back together
i love you
and i hope happiness comes to both of you
even if that means with or without you guys being together


Well today was basically a hi-bye day
first time i saw him was this morning
he said hi to me
i said hi back
and then we hugged
we then talked for literally a few seconds
he told me he had religion
and the we separated
the next time i saw him was like at the break
at the end
he said hi
and we hugged
and then we talked some more
i told him how i'm downloading big bang theory
and yeah
and i also told him my story about my cousin forgetting to meet up with me and my sister LOL
then he was about to get his bag
but i just told him i need to go to class
and so we hugged
while saying bye to each other
by the end of the day i saw him again
but more about that a little later
i saw him at the gate but we didnt say anything to each other
but thats normal sometimes
i then walked to the shops
i met up with my cousin
and like we just talked about shit
it was good
she then offered to get her friend to drop me home
but like i didnt want to
cause secretly i knew i might bump into him
so i told her i'd just catch bus
i then went to the station
and like sat for 20 mins until a friend of mine from school came and started talking to me
we talked about lots of stuff
we then saw him and his boys walk towards the station
inside me i felt joy
YAY i might be able to hug him again
then my friend mentioned him
and i was like in my mind YAY
i can talk about him LOL
he started to tell me how HIM and his friends grabbed catalogues from one of the shops inside
and like outside at the station they started to hand them out to random people
i found it funny
cause it def. sounded like something his boys and him would do
my bus then came
and as i got up i saw him approach where i was sitting
he saw me and waved
i got out of the line
and went over to wear he was sitting
and hugged him
me standing him sitting
but it was still good
i then asked him if he was going to the creative arts night at school
and he told me he wasnt
i got sad
cause i am going
but he isnt but thats fine
he then handed me a catalogue
as i started to explain the story i heard of him
me and my other friend were just waiting till the line got shorter
we just talked for a bit with HIM and the boys
it was good
the line started to get shorter
and so me and my friend headed to line up
HE was standing up at this point
talking to B.R who was already on the bus
well i went up to him
told him i was going
and so he said bye
and we hugged
i said bye while i was in his arms
[i love how he has to reach down to hug me cause he is tall & how i have to go on my tippy toes cause i'm short]
i then went to go on the bus
as the bus moved away i saw him sitting with his boys
[note; the bus i caught is the right bus for him to get on but he chooses not to cause he likes going on the later bus for a really weird reason LOL]
as i saw him sitting
as we slowly moved away
i knew exactly why i love him
me and my friend
then started to talk
about HIM
how he is confident
and i said how i love that about him
how he doesnt care what people think about him
that he thinks he's awesome
and he really is
then i was alone on the bus
as my friend got off

guys you know J.M the guy
well last year, he was the guy i wrote about in my blog
cause i liked him
like just a crush
not like love
and yeah
i thought he was cute and stuff
and so i told him
and we got heaps close after that
like me and him we like really good friends
he is like one of my bestfriends
i then got over it
cause i started to like HIM
and yeah
i tell J.M the guy everything
whenever i have a problem and shit like that
and he is always there to talk to
and yeah this year we seemed to become closer
like i talk to him heaps more now
and we're close at school
i joke with him and such
its really AWESOME
then last night i have a dream about him
[the first night in months when it wasnt a dream about HIM]
it creeped me out when i woke up
basically in my dream
he was hanging at my house
then i full jumped on his back
and he brought me up the stairs
but we were about to stack it so we just went back downstairs
but i was happy
like hanging with him like that
it was weird
and when i woke up all i kept saying was
why am i dreaming of J.M the guy when i love someone else [HIM]
why would i do that to HIM ?
well i started to tell a few people about it
just A.P the girl and E.M
cause i was that freaked out
and then A.P the girl says
if he like liked me and asked me out
would i give him a chance
and i was like idk
cause he is cute
but i love someone else
but idk
but i know J.M the guy doesnt like me
cause he likes someone else LOL
and i know that
and me and him are like REALLY good friends
and i wouldnt want to ruin it
well it was just creepy
he then walked into class in the morning
and i full said hi excitedly
as if i was guilty of something
as if he knew my dream
it was crazy LOL
J.M the guy is just a friend

that was my day
HELLO and bye from HIM is like the best thing i could ask off him
those are the two things that make me smile and happy everyday
a simple hello and goodbye
i love him very much
with all my heart
he is the best thing that has walked into my life
i love you babe, bestfriend

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Pretty Ordinary

well today was fine :)
didnt talk to him until like lunch
idk we're in separate groups sometimes
but i am like happy with it all
and yeah
well at lunch i was with E.M
and he sees me, smiles and waves
he then saw E.M and asked her where was she yesterday
idk if i told you but i found out why they were talking
well E.M needs to buy a present for her boyfriend
for their anni
and like she didnt know what to get him
and the guys told her they would go with her
the only problem was that the guys didnt end up going with her
and she went on her own
HE was asking her where she went cause he was waiting for her
but i full laughed and thought maybe he just forgot LOL
than me and E.M hung with A.P the girl
we talked about lots of stuff
and at one point E.M asked us about C.B
and how we thought of her
she mentioned how she is suppposely HIM's "Wife"
or some shit
and then she asked me if it bothered me
of course i said it didnt
but then admitted that it did a lot before
but now not so much
cause its his life
she then asked me if he knew
and i was shocked
cause i obviously did LOL
well we went through that and then it was the end of lunch
i told E.M i hadnt hugged him yet
so she brought me to him
and yeah it was okay
i went up to him to hug him
but it got awkward
and the we talked for a minute
and then he walked off to class
i was kinda cut
but then again i really had no reason to be
well i went to class
and i told L.C the girl about how i was cut
and stuff like that
then that class ended
and i saw him walk out of his class
as i headed to english
walked up to him and gave him a hug
it was better
but still weird
anyways that was it with him
for the day

did you know i have been getting closer to J.M the guy
me and him have been getting close this year
it is really good
he is so great to talk to
and stuff like that lol

well i better be off
i have an assignment to finish LOL
i will write again soon

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

NOT too bad

today wasnt too bad
nothing is going wrong this week
only my problem with A.C the girl
we're still working on it though
well the only time i spoke to him
was this morning
i got out of tutor
and saw him standing with these girls
so i go over there
and hug him
i started to talk to him
and tell him how i gave A.P the guy
one more chance
and he was saying how that was good
and yeah
it was quite a brief convo
but it was better than nothing
after that i didnt talk to him
but this morning was casual and very good
like we hugged and talked
then i went to class
no big
i saw him alot
even after school i saw him
walking to the shops
but it didnt bother me as much that i wasnt with him
i love him very much
i love being his bestfriend :)
well yeah thats enough about him
i hung out with A.P the guy a bit at lunch
it was good being friends with him again
but he really is on a thin string LOL
it was good to be normal round him though :)
at the beginning of lunch a saw a funny thing :P
i saw E.M talking to A.C the guy
then A.C the guy calls over HIM
then they start talking
then HIM calls over A.P the guy
i was like wtf
what are they all talking about
cause i never see E.M talk to them LOL
it creeped me out
but was also really funny LOL
nothing else big happened
me and A.C the girl are getting there
it kinda sucks sometimes
its like me and her cant be alone
we need other people around
but we're like taking the whole thing slow
idk if that sounds weird LOL
but she is my sister and i love her
well thats all
no interesting shit LOL
i'll write again tomorrow
unless i'm doing my assignment
but i'll be sure to still like write :)
love you all

Monday, June 21, 2010

200th POST

Thanks everyone for the support :)

i know there are people out there who read this

thanks to my followers and those who arent following

i love to blog and amazed i reached 200 posts :)

well i realised i havent put pics up in a while so here i go :)

for the last pic posted on 9th of may

here is what i never put up

i love you all


2010-05-25 21-36-02.383

250510 – Being bored and tired, waiting for siblings to leave my room

2010-06-19 22-11-27.639

190610 – Jamming in my room :) My sister on my laptop

i love my laptop, i use it way too much

thats why i hardly ever webcam and take pics anymore

cause it doesnt have a webcam ><”

2010-06-21 17-37-14.418

2010-06-21 17-37-30.422

210610 – Just being majorly bored, and needing a new dp for facebook :) Love how i look in my school uniform <3

2010-06-21 20-05-04.366

2010-06-21 20-05-15.096

2010-06-21 20-06-53.637

210610 – Secondhand Books <3

i went to the public library today with my sister

and found out there was a book sale

that just started today and ends 4th of july <3

i love second hand books

i bought 4 books today for under $3 total

there books are

- Gossip Girl

- You Know You Love Me, Gossip Girl

- Seven Deadly Sins, Envy

- Alice Through The Needle’s Eye

i love them

totally want to go again <3


well those are my photos


i love all you guys

thanks for the support


very proud <3

please keep reading

i love you guys



Excited to start a new life in college
to start a new year
heres a list of stuff i need to do in my future
- stay friends my group :)
- stay bestfriends with HIM and A.P the girl
- if me and HIM never get together, DONT BE DEEPLY CUT (know i saw it coming)
- HIM & ME bestfriends forever :)
- go to college :)
- Meet a college guy ;) (from business or accounting)
- be deeply in love ;)
- get married LOL
- have kids :L
and so on and so forth LOL
hahahaha planning the future is fun
just know i'm alwys gonna be HIS bestfriend
and he is always gonne be MINE :)
i love him very much

A new week

the weekend was shit
i would have to say
dealing with so much
its not funny
but today was a great day :)
the first thing was at the end of recess
i went up to B.R
and like asked if she got my message
she told me thank you for apologizing
and said how cause of everything that happened
we cant be like friends
but we are like neutral
like yeah
and thats what i want
so i was happy
then as i was in study
i talked to HIM
cause he was there for an assignment or something
i told him like
how i was sorry
casue i talked to L.N and shit
and yeah
but it was all good
he got kinda mad that i keep saying sorry
but anyways
i moved on to the next thing
i told him how i like worked things out with B.R
and he first thought it was cause of him
but then i told him it wasnt
that i wanted to do it
cause she was nice to me and stuff
and he was happy
i full told him how i'm not gonna do shit for him anymore
cause he told me not to
and i'm fully fine with that
hahahaha it was good
then i told him about my cafs results which was 14/15 :)
and he was proud
and we hi fived LOL
then we talked bout maths cause of my parents reaction
then i asked him about A.P the guy
cause A.P the guy went up to him
and told him something
HE told me i can never start a fight between them two which is good
but A.P the guy said to him
" you ruined my friendship with louise"
and he was feeling guilty about it
and like i felt bad
and i was like it wasnt his fault
and he was like it kinda was
then we started talking bout the whole thing
he was telling me how it was A.P's gf, to let him figure the shit out
i admitted i miss being his friend and stuff
and yeah
so i got me thinking
then i realised i was beginning to be like distracting to him
i full hugged him
and like said " arent you proud"
he was full like yes :) and i went up to study
then lunch came
and i didnt know what to do
so i hung out with a couple of my other friends L.C the girl (wow i'm starting to run out of codes LOL)and R.M
so yeah i was talking to them
telling them how shit is going down
but i worked out some of it already
i then asked about like what to do with A.P the guy
they told me to give him another chance
like a final one
and yeah
so when the music started to play
as it was the end of lunch
i walked up to him with M.C
and told him how i am willing to give him another chance
cause i miss hanging with him
and yeah
full telling him
this is his last chance
to not blow it
and that he was on a thin string
so we sorted that out
and like he said sorry
and full hugged me
and i hugged him
and then we had a group hug me, A.P the guy and M.C
it was good
then he went to class
and then me and M.C talked
like about that
why i did it
what changed my mind
then we started talking about A.C
cause ive been having difficulty with her
and yeah
its such a small thing
but it is tearing me and her apart
idk why
so i started to explain
then i left it at that
cause i was late for class
then M.C stayed back at school with me
and me and her talked
like cause my weekend was so shit
cause of me and A.C kind of fight
and yeah
it was pretty bad
emailing and shit
we currently still email
cause it is weird at school
today was weird
i just worry bout M.C
how she is taking all of it
we talked about it and other stuff like A.P the guy
and HIM
and yeah it was good
then we got on the bus after school
and talked some more about it all
and then i saw him with his boys
and just smiled :)
i have a good feeling about this week
i love him very much
just gotta work shit out with A.C

Saturday, June 19, 2010


i'm making peace with B.R right now
like idk if she'll get this message
but i felt i needed to do this
she was so nice to me on friday
i know its time

"Hey, ummms thanks for friday
like with directions
and like with the end bit
i'm sure you helped in some way
i'm gonna make this public,
the year is ending
and i wanted to say this
i'm sorry for the past
i've been a bitch and stuff like that
and i just wanted to say sorry and make peace
i know it may be too late
but idk i felt like saying this now
you're such a nice person
i can see that
this may not mean much
like i know it may not mean friends
i really dont mind
but i wanted to be able to at least make peace with you
so yeah
sorry if this is SOOOO random
just after friday, i felt like i needed to do this
thanks again for friday
and sorry for whatever happened in the past
idk if i ever thanked you for the past
like when we were bestfriends
but thank you
and again sorry
anyways i'm gonna leave it there cause i know this is already a lot
but yeah
ummm, see you at school i guess

now it is the waiting game
i wonder what will happen next


guys, i'm starting to make covers again
if you have suggestions feel free to let me know
i'll put up links when i upload them
i cbb learning songs on guitar right now
so i'm only gonna be using instrumentals
i find online so yeah
keep updated
and i hope you enjoy my covers
they will be up some time this month
i promise

i miss you very much

i missed him yesterday
but i heard he was happy whereever he was
which made me happy
i have been worried about him
but today i got the chance to speak to him
it was brief
but better than nothing i guess
i asked if he was okay
and he said he was
i asked if A.P the guy spoke to him
and he said yes
and yeah
i didnt bother going into depth
as i didnt have lots of time
cause i was at the shop
i asked if we were cool
and he said we were
i wanna leave it there
i want to leave it for now
cause i dont want to stress
and i dont want to panic
and so ima leave it at that
and just work it out on monday
i dont want to cry anymore
i dont want to do any of that shit
i wanna be myself
i wanna be me
i love him very much
ima leave him at peace
i'm not gonna put shit on him anymore

Thursday, June 17, 2010


i totally just cried over him again
cause i was talking to L.N
and like he said stuff like
HIM hates being hated on
and stuff about the crap i put on him
and i felt really bad
that i cried
when i said i'd try not to do it for the rest of the week
i blame L.N for this
still trying to call him
left him a message on facebook


i didnt talk to him today
even thought i talked to A.P about everything
i HATE him
why would he do that to me :(
but yeha i didnt talk to him
but i saw him and he saw me
we looked at each other
for like a minute
then i walked off to the bathroom
as he talked to a teacher
i worry bout him
cause i think the boys talked
and idk
i dont want to cause trouble :(
i'm trying to call him
i've been trying since i got home from community service
i'll keep trying
and if anything happens
i'll tell you

Are You OKAY ?

i cant believe what i did
i said i wouldnt say anything
but A.P the guy came up to me
to say sorry for lying to me
but what was i suppose to do
take his sorry and forget what he did to me
i couldnt do that to myself
but why do i feel guilty
why do i feel as if i betrayed HIM
is it because i said i wouldn't say anything
is it because A.P the guy might have confronted him
is it because they might start fighting
i feel so bad
but he told me not to do stuff for him
and i cant lie to myself about me being mad at A.P
if he is really my bestfreind
if he really wants me to be happy
then he should understand
that i did this for me
that i want to be happy
and that i'm not gonna lie to A.P
and say i forgive him when obviously i dont
i love HIM very much
but if he wants me to not scarifice for him
then i wont
i did this for myself
my only concern is how he is feeling
i dont want him and A.P to fight
its bad enough that he has to deal
with his two bestfriends fighting
but for him to have difficulty with A.P
will just make me feel worse
i want him to be happy
to smile
to remain my bestfriend
i love him very much
and i hope he is okay
i feel so guilty
even when i didnt do anything wrong

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

When We Say (Juicebox)

Somethin bout the way
Somethin bout the way you look
In my eyes
You make everything so damn easy
So easy that I don't got to worry bout a thing

And baby when we touch
All I can see is the image of us
Sitting by the ocean
Just before the dusk
Sippin on a juice box and
Sand between our toes

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you right

Just tell me you don't love me
Tell me you don't feel the same way that I do
Tell me I don't make you smile
Like I do when you walk in the room
You're so hard to let go

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we say it's forever
But this ain't a fantasy
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you right

This hurts so much to know that you're
With someone else when you should be with me
It's just hard to accept that I can't be around
He better be treatin you good
I'm no Einstein but I know a sign
When I see one
And I know you love me too
I know you love me too

This is the part when we say were in love
And the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie
I know you can't come with me
You got your life
He better be treatin you good
So good
You got your life
He better be treatin you right
fully relate to this song
about wanting to be with someone
but they choose with be with someone else
and so you end up heart broken
and just want them to be happy
even though you both know there is something between you two

Wedding Dress

Korean Lyrics

네가 그와 다투고
때론 그 땜에 울고
힘들어 할때면
난 희망을 느끼고
아무도 모르게 맘 아, 아, 아프고
네 작은 미소면 또 담담해지고
네가 혹시나 내 마음을 알게될까봐
알아버리면 우린 멀어지게 될까봐
난 숨을 죽여 또 입술을 깨물어
제발 그를 떠나 내게 오길

Baby 제발 그의 손을 잡지마
Coz you should be my lady
오랜 시간 기다려온 날
돌아봐 줘

노래가 울리면 이젠 너는
그와 평생을 함께 하죠
오늘이 오지 않기를
그렇게나 매일 밤 기도했는데

네가 입은 웨딩 드레스, oh no
내가 아니잖아
Oh, 네가 입은 웨딩 드레스

내 맘을 몰라줬던 네가 너무 미워서
가끔은 네가 불행하길 난 바랬어

이미 내 눈물은 다 마, 마, 마르고
버릇처럼 혼자 너에게 말하고
매일 밤 그렇게 불안했던 걸 보면 난
이렇게 될거란 걸 알았는지도 몰라
난 눈을 감아, 끝이 없는 꿈을 꿔
제발 그를 떠나 내게 오길

Baby, 지나가는 그의 손을 잡지마
Coz you should be my lady
오랜 시간 기다려온 날 돌아봐 줘

노래가 울리면 이젠 너는
그와 평생을 함께 하죠
오늘이 오지 않기를
그렇게나 매일 밤 기도했는데

네가 입은 웨딩 드레스
내가 아니잖아
Oh, 네가 입은 웨딩 드레스, oh, no

부디 그와 행복해
너를 잊을 수 있게
내 초라했던 모습들 다 잊어 줘
비록 한 동안은 나
죽을만큼 힘이 들겠지만

No, oh

너무 오랜 시간을 착각 속에
홀로 바보처럼 살았죠
아직도 늘 그녀는
날 보고 새하얗게 웃고 있는데

네가 입은 웨딩 드레스
Oh, no
네가 입은 웨딩 드레스


niga geuwa datugo
ttaeron geu ttaeme ulgo
himdeureo hal ttaemyeon nan huimangeul neukkigo
amudo moreuge mam a-a-apeugo
nijageun misomyeon tto damdamhaejigo

niga hoksina nae maeumeul alge doelkkabwa

nan sumeul jug yeo
tto ipsureul kkaemureo
jebal geureul tteona naege ogil

Baby jebal geuui soneul japjima
Cuz you should be my Lady
oraen sigan gidaryeo on nal dorabwajwo

noraega ullimyeon ije neoneun
geuwa pyeongsaengeul hamkkehajyo
oneuri oji ankireul
geureoke na maeil bam gidohaenneunde

nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
geuwa pyeongsaengeul hamkkehajyo
oneuri oji ankireul
geureoke na maeil bam gidohaenneunde

nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu

nae mameul mollajwotdeon
nega neomu miwoseo
gakkeumeun nega bulhaenghagil nan baraesseo
imi nae nunmureun da ma ma mareugo

beoreutcheoreom honja neoege malhago

maeil bam geureoke buranhaetdeongeol bomyeon nan
ireoke doelkkeoran geon aranneunjido molla
nan nuneul gama
kkeuchi eomneun kkumeul kkwo
jebal geureul tteona naege ogil

Baby jebal geuui soneul japjima
Cuz you should be my Lady
oraen sigan gidaryeo on nal dorabwajwo

noraega ullimyeon ije neoneun
geuwa pyeongsaengeul hamkkehajyo
oneuri oji ankireul
geureoke na maeil bam gidohaenneunde

nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu

budi geuwa haengbokhae
neoreul ijeul su itge
nae chorahaetdeon moseupdeureun da ijeojwo
birok handonganeun
 no oh
na jugeul mankeum himi deulgetjiman no oh

neomu oraen siganeul chakgak soge
hollo babocheoreom saratjyo
ajikdo nae geunyeoneun nal bogo
sae hayake utgo inneunde

nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu

nega ibeun wedingdeureseu


Some say it’s not over ‘till it’s over
Guess this is really over now
There’s something I gotta say before I let you go

When you have a fight with him
Sometimes you cry
And feel sad and blue
I become hopeful
My heart aches secretly
Then just a hint of your smile
Can make feel fine again
To keep you from figuring out how I feel about you
Coz then we would drift apart
I hold my breath, bite my lips
Oh, please leave him and come to me

Baby, please don’t take his hand
Coz you should be my lady
I’ve been waiting for you for so long
Please look at me now

When the music starts
You will vow to spend
The rest of your life with him
How I prayed every night
This day would never come

The wedding dress you’re wearing
It’s not me (next to you)
Oh, the wedding dress you’re wearing, oh, no

You never knew how I felt about you
And I hated you so
Sometimes I wished you would be unhappy

Now I have no more tears left to cry
When I’m by myself I talk to you like you’re here
I’ve felt so restless every night
Maybe I’ve known all along this would happen
I close my eyes and dream an endless dream
Please leave him and come to me

Baby, don’t take his hand when he comes to you
Coz you should be my lady
I’ve been waiting for you for so long
Look at me now

When the music starts
You will vow to spend
The rest of your life with him
How I prayed every night
This day would never come

The wedding dress you’re wearing
It’s not me (next to you)
Oh, the wedding dress you’re wearing, oh, no

Please be happy with him
So that I can forget you
Please forget how miserable I looked
It’s going to be unbearably hard for me
For a long while to come
i'm loving this song
here is the english remix by another youtube artist;

(Verse 1 - Tommy C)
Never should've let you go
Never found myself at home
Ever since that day that you walked
Right out the door

You were like my beating heart
That I, I can't control
Even though weve grown apart
My brain cant seem to let you go

Thinking back to the old times
When you kept me up late at night
We use to mess around
Laugh and play, fuss and fight

I guess its too late, Im dancing this dance alone
This chapters done, the story goes on

Can't believe that you are not with me
'Cause you should be my lady
All I want is to set your heart free

But if you believe that you belong with him
Promise me, you wont let anyone hurt you
Remember, I will always be here for you
Even if it kills me to see you

In that wedding dress
Oh see you in that wedding dress
See you in that wedding dress
Oh see you in that wedding dress

(Verse 2)
Snappin out this misery
Depression this aint me
But I always turn around
180 degrees

You got control of me
And I, I cant explain
Somebody call 911 Emergency
Before I go insane

Since youve moved on
You took a piece of me give it back
So much pain in my chest
Blacking out, heart attack



(Verse 3 - J.Reyez)
And I see you with your man
and it's hard to understand
If we belong, if I did you wrong,
where we even began
We would always fuss and fight
and it seems nothing was right
But I loved you girl and you were
my world but you'd never trust this guy
'Cause the things I do when
I'm on the stage,
they say I'm a superstar
You couldn't understand all
the female fans
and then we grew apart
And I just don't get when
you're acting like some other person
But I try my best to hold on
at the times when it ain't working
And everytime that you say
it's over it breaks my heart
and I don't know why
'Cause you've done it a lot
of times in the past
but I get back up and try
You said we could work it out,
how could you hurt me now
And you moved on to the next,
I'm left with an imperfect smile

i love this song
i can really relate atm

More interesting than yesterday

well today was interesting
yesterday i was
this morning i was fine
then at recess i went up to him
i went behind him and hugged him
i was just hugging him
and i told him, can i talk to you at lunch
and he said yeah
but he wanted me to talk to him now
but i didnt
i just kept hugging him from behind
i asked how he was and how he was feeling
i told him i was sad yesterday
and he was wondering what was up with me
and started to wonder what i was gonna tell him later
then i moved in front of him
and talked to him a bit more
then i stood in front of him
and hugged him
him hugging me back
and i leaned my head on his shoulder
it was like that for a while
then like i went off to class
i built myself up for the moment
i brought my guitar to school
i wanted to sing to him
but he told me not to
he didnt want me to have to sing for him
so i didnt
at lunch
i went to him straight away
and we walked to like a place i thought was partically private place
which i found out later that it wasnt so private
we began talking
i started telling him how i was sad and stuff
and yeah
it was going okay
but there was so much silence
and sometimes i started yelling
and getting teary
but he calmed me down
he made me smile
by trying his best to cheer me up
he started to get upset by some of the stuff i told him
like how i got into bedford for him
even though i kinda did want to go there too
he didnt like stuff he was hearing
but we sorted it out thankfully
he then tells me how he was weirded out
about me liking him
cause of something A.P the guy said
i was like WTF when he told me
he told me that A.P the guy told him that i told A.P that i wanted to MARRY him
i was like WHAT THE FUCK
i didnt even say that
i never said that
i started to yell
i am 17 for god sake
i dont want to get married
i have trouble just trusting guys since my ex
even HIM, scared he'll walk away
why would i want to get married
no matter how much i love him
that really annoyed cause of the whole situation with A.P right now
i fucking hate him now
like why would he do that to mee
and this was said ages ago
when me and him were actually close friends
when he encouraged me to freaking go for it
to wait for him
what a faggot aye
freaking kill everything i reckon
once i started getting pissed
he tried calming me down
by saying he isnt weirded out anymore
that he is fine
which is great
but the fact that he wasnt fine before
cause of something that wasnt true annoys me
well then it went silent
and he tried to make me smile
after a while i did start to smile
and it was good
he was happy to see me smile
he wants to see me happy
i want to be happy
he started tp tell me how i was over reacting
how it was because it was my time of the month i am like this
which in a way is true
i wasnt like this last week
fucking period ><"
yeah so he understands that
he said by next week i'll be back to my old self
he smiled
the bell than rang
and we went to class together
cause our classes are like next to each other
i told him i was sorry
and he told me there was nothing to be sorry about
i said sorry for like this whole year
for putting all of this on him
and stuff like that
as we walked he told me to promise him something
and he told me to not be upset over him for the rest of the year
for him and for myself
i said i cant promise but i'll try
then we got to the intersection
before we went our separate ways
we talked a bit more
i said my sorries
and so on
he said some stuff
like dw
he told me that i was probably the person from school he hangs with the most
after his like neighbour in our year of course LOL
i was really happy
it was the nicest thing he has said to me today
after we were talking about how i thought we dont hang out much
then we actually needed to go class
so i hugged him
and said sorry
he hugged back and said
to not be sorry
to forget about it
to be happy
to smile
to wait a few days
when i dont have pms
everything will be better
we separated
then we hugged again
and i said i'm sorry again and walked off to class
even when its serious he jokes
cause he knows it makes me happy
and it does
and i will try to not be sad over him
that much i will know
i know there is nothing wrong with me and him
i know i love him very much
i know he makes me happy
i know i need him
i'm so proud of him
for being so patient with me
especially in my time of like moodyness
for being so calm about the whole fight between me and A.P
since we're both his bestfriends
for being so honest with me
for being understanding me
for being the best Guy bestfriend anyone can ask for
i'm so glad that he is so strong
to deal with all my drama
to deal with me liking him
to deal with all my shit and stuff
he is dealing with it so well and i'm so proud of him
i'm proud of him
i'm happy that me and him are still bestfriends
i'm happy me and him are cool
i'm happy with it
the only that pissed me off was A.P the guy
who is totally out of my life now
and also the fact that my period took over my emotions FUCK
well i am feeling better now
he makes everything better
by just being great
and now i feel awesome
i feel lighter in a way
because everything is going great
with him at least
hopefully everything else follows
i love him very much
but i know the chances of me being with him is really low
but i am willing to wait for him
i just hope someday i meet that one guy
who i can love
who loves me too
until then
HE is the one for me
i love him very much
after all that was said and done today
he is still my bestfriend
i am still his bestfriend
he is my AWESOME bestfriend

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


well today was interesting
i was fine this morning
i was happy
i was joyful
then at recess
as i was on my way to the bathroom
i stopped by him
and asked
"how much do you love me"
and he said "a lot? idk"
and i was like can you do me a favor
and he was like what
i told him to say yes first
but he was like my favors are usually extreme
or some shit
and so i told him
can you stay back with me after school to wait for my sister
straight away i saw as his face went down
and like he said, "i cant today, i wanna go home"
i started getting upset
like cause he said that last time i had to stay back
he said he would wait with me next time
and this was now that next time
and again he said no
cause he was too lazy
i got so upset
i said fine whatever
and as i walked away
i said " you never do things for me anymore"
and as i walked away i could tell he was laughing
as i walked to the bathroom with K.C i started to get even more upset
i started to cry
i started yelling
how he doesnt do stuff for me anymore
i cried and cried
then we went back to the group
and i was still really upset
the bell rang
and i went up to A.C the girl
and hugged her
and started crying more
i was a mess
i really dont know why i was so upset over such a small thing
i then went to class
and forgot about the whole thing for 2 periods
then came lunch
i sat with A.P the girl
and talked to her how i was feeling
i said i wasnt gonna cry again
but i did
but this time was worse
it was terrible
i cried so hard
as i explained
how i feel he like doesnt wanna hang with me
and yeah i was just really cut about it
i told her how its like he says were bestfriends just for me
and yeah i was crying lots
and i'm pretty sure he didnt notice
my sister then came up to me
as she said she knew i was sad
and she could tell
she came up and hugged me
then she went off to her group
i continued talking to A.P the girl
and like i was just getting really upset
the bell then rang
and it was ancient
i had become so sad
that i just kept crying and crying
and everytime someone asked if i was okay
i cried even more
cause i wasnt okay
my period 5 teacher let me stay out for a bit
A.C the girl
stayed with me
we talked i vented
i told her everything i was feeling
and how i lonely
how i love him so very much
how i feel stupid sometimes
how i dont feel like enough
i cried so much
i cried the whole time
i began to realise
how in denial i was about things
how things werent okay
how things were bad
i knew we werent together but my mind made this whole idea that we were
idk i just started to realise it
and it hurt very much
i can feel me and him drifting
and it is killing me inside
i told her how no-one sees me
how i cant find someone when all these other people can
how i wanna be with him so much
that i would do absolutely ANYTHING for him
she kept comforting me
saying i was enough
how i am not stupid
and how i will find someone who loves me
but i love HIM
i want him
at this point i didnt want anyone else
just i realised i was holding in all these real feelings
and the only time it all came out
was when i had my mood swings
cause of me *cough cough*
if you catch my drift
i was weird but i guess it also helpped me realise what i was really going through
i wanted to be with him so bad
that my mind has made up to remain waiting for him
i then started to open up about my ex
and everything like that
Me and A.C talked heaps
and i was able to get everything out
with all the tears
it took the whole period
and we made sure we said sorry to our teacher for missing class
but sir was really cool about it
at this point i am still pretty shaken up
but i cant help that
at this point i am still going through sadness
through maybe even depression
but SOMEDAY it will all go away
SOMEDAY i'll find someone to love me
SOMEDAY maybe he'll realise he is meant to be with me
SOMEDAY i wont be like this anymore
i'll be much better
SOMEDAY i'll be okay
i still love him
i always will
even through all the hurt
i'll always love him
with my heart and soul
till there is nothing left
i will ALWAYS love him

Written during class

realisation hit me
when my sister said
"it's like you're with him anyways,aye"
it makes me realise
that he's not mine
i'm not his
and that hurts me
makes me want to cry
makes me realise that probably we'll never be together
like we'll never be together like i want
that he'll never love me
like i love him
cause i know i love him
and i know i cant live without him
he is everything i need and want in the world
my bestfriend
my love

In class (old blog i found stored in my drafts)

realisation hit me when my sister said
"It's like you're with him anyways, aye "
it hit me
he's not mine
i'm not his
and that kills me inside
it makes me want to cry
it makes me know
he'll probably never love me like i love him
i love him very much
i cant live without him

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My bestfriends

today i got to spend the day with my bestfriends
A.P the girl and HIM
i woke up heaps early
and got ready
then A.P the girl (the only A.P in this entry)
messaged me to call HIM
to ask if he was going
well i called
and he told me i was the one who woke him up
and then he said sorry how he couldnt come yesterday
and i said it was fine
and yeah
then yeah
i let him wake himself up
cause he sounded still like he was a sleep LOL
A.P then picked me up
and we went to the place
when we got there
we saw like a couple of rockets launch
and it was so cool
we went to this like place
where this club meets up
and launches rockets they make themselves
it was full hectic
A.P told me to keep calling HIM
and i did
after like 100000000000000000 tries of calling
someone finally answered
and said he already left the house
i then walked up this long ass park
to meet him at the front
to guide him in to the park
as i got to the front
he just arrived
he got out of the car
and walked towards me
i hugged him and said hi
then his mum parked the car out the front
and then he decided to tell me
that his mum and brothers are coming
cause they want to see the rockets too
i was full shocked
and surprised
cause he didnt mention it previously
me and him started walking up
his family behind us
but me and him just kept talking
i told him what i did yesterday
since he didnt come and yeah
we talked and talked
and it was really good
his mum then started talking to me
so we stopped so they could catch up to us
then it was me, him and his mum
as his brothers started running ahead
then we finally got to the park
and i saw A.P
i went up to her
and we all talked and stuff
his fam, him, me and A.P
then more rockets were being launched
i could see the excitement in his eyes
i did get some time with him without his family
it was good
i sat with him on the floor
he started poking me
and i started poking him back
and like i starting punching him lol
i then leaned on him alot
and yeah
we walked
and talked
and hung out
it was the best
at some stages we were with his mum
which was good
cause she is really nice
he is soo smart
he asks all these questions to this man
it was so fun today
i also got to tell A.P about my dream
hahaha O_O
and i started telling her how i was self conscious
like about being with him around his mum
cause like i act really close to him
like at school and stuff
but around his family i am a bit more scared
cause like, idk how they see me
i know one of his brothers k now i like him
but around the others its scary
but it ended up fine
the day was then over
and his mum and youngest bro went off to the car
while him and his other brother stayed with me and A.P
as we asked questions
he finished before us
and like we were still taking a while
so he headed off
i hugged him
and he hugged me back
and i looked in his eyes and said
i'll see you on tuesday
me and A.P then finished and started walking up to the front
we talked heaps
i started telling her again how i was scared being like
all close to him around his mum and stuff
and yeah
and i told her how i had a good day and everything
and yeah we waited for her dad to come
we chilled
and said we should do it again soon
i had a great day today
so much happened
that i cant explain it all
i miss him already :(
and i have to wait till tuesday to see him again
i love him very much
he is the best thing that has happened to me

Saturday, June 12, 2010

My saturday just got KILLED

well as i said before
i was like really looking forward to seeing HIM today
but like i go on my facebook
and i got a message from him
telling me he cant make it
and like how he is sorry
i understand he had to go to his aunties
but i am still sad
that i didnt get to see him
i was really looking forward to just hanging with him
and yeah
now my saturday is MURDERED
i love him very much
and miss him even more now ><"


even when i'm a sleep
i know i still love him
i dream about him every night
and i think about him everyday
just literally a minute after being with him
i start to miss him
i love him very very very much