Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Someday

well today was interesting
i was fine this morning
i was happy
i was joyful
then at recess
as i was on my way to the bathroom
i stopped by him
and asked
"how much do you love me"
and he said "a lot? idk"
and i was like can you do me a favor
and he was like what
i told him to say yes first
but he was like my favors are usually extreme
or some shit
and so i told him
can you stay back with me after school to wait for my sister
straight away i saw as his face went down
and like he said, "i cant today, i wanna go home"
i started getting upset
like cause he said that last time i had to stay back
he said he would wait with me next time
and this was now that next time
and again he said no
cause he was too lazy
i got so upset
i said fine whatever
and as i walked away
i said " you never do things for me anymore"
and as i walked away i could tell he was laughing
as i walked to the bathroom with K.C i started to get even more upset
i started to cry
i started yelling
how he doesnt do stuff for me anymore
i cried and cried
then we went back to the group
and i was still really upset
the bell rang
and i went up to A.C the girl
and hugged her
and started crying more
i was a mess
i really dont know why i was so upset over such a small thing
i then went to class
and forgot about the whole thing for 2 periods
then came lunch
i sat with A.P the girl
and talked to her how i was feeling
i said i wasnt gonna cry again
but i did
but this time was worse
it was terrible
i cried so hard
as i explained
how i feel he like doesnt wanna hang with me
and yeah i was just really cut about it
i told her how its like he says were bestfriends just for me
idk
and yeah i was crying lots
and i'm pretty sure he didnt notice
my sister then came up to me
as she said she knew i was sad
and she could tell
she came up and hugged me
then she went off to her group
i continued talking to A.P the girl
and like i was just getting really upset
the bell then rang
and it was ancient
i had become so sad
that i just kept crying and crying
and everytime someone asked if i was okay
i cried even more
cause i wasnt okay
my period 5 teacher let me stay out for a bit
A.C the girl
stayed with me
we talked i vented
i told her everything i was feeling
saddness
and how i lonely
how i love him so very much
how i feel stupid sometimes
how i dont feel like enough
i cried so much
i cried the whole time
i began to realise
how in denial i was about things
how things werent okay
how things were bad
i knew we werent together but my mind made this whole idea that we were
idk i just started to realise it
and it hurt very much
i can feel me and him drifting
and it is killing me inside
i told her how no-one sees me
how i cant find someone when all these other people can
how i wanna be with him so much
that i would do absolutely ANYTHING for him
she kept comforting me
saying i was enough
how i am not stupid
and how i will find someone who loves me
but i love HIM
i want him
at this point i didnt want anyone else
just i realised i was holding in all these real feelings
and the only time it all came out
was when i had my mood swings
cause of me *cough cough*
if you catch my drift
i was weird but i guess it also helpped me realise what i was really going through
i wanted to be with him so bad
that my mind has made up to remain waiting for him
i then started to open up about my ex
and everything like that
Me and A.C talked heaps
and i was able to get everything out
with all the tears
it took the whole period
and we made sure we said sorry to our teacher for missing class
but sir was really cool about it
at this point i am still pretty shaken up
but i cant help that
at this point i am still going through sadness
through maybe even depression
but SOMEDAY it will all go away
SOMEDAY i'll find someone to love me
SOMEDAY maybe he'll realise he is meant to be with me
SOMEDAY i wont be like this anymore
i'll be much better
SOMEDAY i'll be okay
i still love him
i always will
even through all the hurt
i'll always love him
with my heart and soul
till there is nothing left
i will ALWAYS love him
<3

Written during class

realisation hit me
when my sister said
"it's like you're with him anyways,aye"
it makes me realise
that he's not mine
i'm not his
and that hurts me
makes me want to cry
makes me realise that probably we'll never be together
like we'll never be together like i want
that he'll never love me
like i love him
cause i know i love him
and i know i cant live without him
he is everything i need and want in the world
my bestfriend
my love
<3

In class (old blog i found stored in my drafts)

realisation hit me when my sister said
"It's like you're with him anyways, aye "
it hit me
he's not mine
i'm not his
and that kills me inside
it makes me want to cry
it makes me know
he'll probably never love me like i love him
i love him very much
i cant live without him
<3