Thursday, June 17, 2010

FUCKED UP ALREADY

i totally just cried over him again
cause i was talking to L.N
and like he said stuff like
HIM hates being hated on
and stuff about the crap i put on him
and i felt really bad
that i cried
when i said i'd try not to do it for the rest of the week
i blame L.N for this
still trying to call him
left him a message on facebook
<3

silence

i didnt talk to him today
even thought i talked to A.P about everything
i HATE him
why would he do that to me :(
but yeha i didnt talk to him
but i saw him and he saw me
we looked at each other
for like a minute
then i walked off to the bathroom
as he talked to a teacher
idk
i worry bout him
cause i think the boys talked
and idk
i dont want to cause trouble :(
i'm trying to call him
i've been trying since i got home from community service
i'll keep trying
and if anything happens
i'll tell you
<3

Are You OKAY ?

i cant believe what i did
i said i wouldnt say anything
but A.P the guy came up to me
to say sorry for lying to me
but what was i suppose to do
take his sorry and forget what he did to me
i couldnt do that to myself
but why do i feel guilty
why do i feel as if i betrayed HIM
is it because i said i wouldn't say anything
is it because A.P the guy might have confronted him
is it because they might start fighting
i feel so bad
but he told me not to do stuff for him
and i cant lie to myself about me being mad at A.P
if he is really my bestfreind
if he really wants me to be happy
then he should understand
that i did this for me
that i want to be happy
and that i'm not gonna lie to A.P
and say i forgive him when obviously i dont
i love HIM very much
but if he wants me to not scarifice for him
then i wont
i did this for myself
my only concern is how he is feeling
i dont want him and A.P to fight
its bad enough that he has to deal
with his two bestfriends fighting
but for him to have difficulty with A.P
will just make me feel worse
i want him to be happy
to smile
to remain my bestfriend
i love him very much
and i hope he is okay
i feel so guilty
even when i didnt do anything wrong
<3