Wednesday, June 30, 2010

still crying but better

well A.P the guy, A.P the girl, A.I and A.C the girl
have been talking to me

Start with A.P the guy,
i asked him for more details about this girl
and from what he said
they hooked up on the bus like 3 weeks ago
i was like WTF
and yeah
he said that HE said that he doesnt like her
and i was like okay
and i told him how they didnt seem like that today when i saw them

A.P the girl
keeps telling me to relax
she is my bestfriend and should know i cant
i just saw the guy i love with another girl
like come on

me and him had a DNM
cause he knows what i'm going through
he started to tell me how he is like close to HIM
and knows that he hates that other girl
and that he is scared of her and stuff
and that he'll never get with her
we talked about how we felt about our significant others and such
and yeah
it was good
we understand each other :)
we know where the other person is coming from

A.C the girl
stayed on the phone with me for how long
as i started to vent
and cry it all out
she tells me i should say something to him
and i want to
but idk if i can
i dont want to fight with him
he is leaving for queensland on monday
ima miss him heaps

my older sister made me feel fucking stupid
by saying "why do you even care"
what kind of question is that
i love him thats why i fucking care
faaaaa it just made me cry more
she makes it sound like i'm being stupid
that i'm being retarded
thats why i'm single
thats why he doesnt want to be with me
fuck she just doesnt get it

well those are a brief outline of my talks
i cried so much already
i dont want him to know i'm hurt
i want him to be happy
i just dont want to feel the way i did with my ex
it seems the same thing happened
theres always another girl
who is chosen instead of me
i dont want to fight anymore with him
i dont want to lose him like i lost my ex
i love him too much
it'll just hurt more
i cant stop loving him
but i know i love him alot
because of all the shit i tolerate for him
all the pain
but it all goes away
by a simple smile
a simple hug
a little surprise
he makes me happy the most
but he also makes me sad
but i would never change him
cause its him i love
not an image
i love him very much
with my heart always


i didnt really talk to him all day
and so in a way J.M the guy filled his space
he was being a doosh to me LOL
like we hugged a couple of times
and i kept pushing him
and him pushing me
it was cool
he makes me smile lots
then i finally get a chance to speak to HIM
i smile
but the first thing he says to me is
"your sister is looking for you"
i asked where and stuff
and he told me up front
so i tapped him on the back saying bye
and as i leave his side
i hear him say bye too
me and my sister then walk to the station
and i see him there
which made me happy
but with SOME OTHER girl
i didnt know who she was
and like i didnt plan to
he saw me and my sister
and waved to us
with a big smile
i just smiled at him
then said hi
then walked right past to leave him with her
cause they seemed real close
like she was holding him
and they were hugging and yeah
i then just stood far away
with my sister
still watching them
seeing her put her head on his shoulder like i do
hugging him like i do
being around his friends like i do
them being like literally close
like i am with him
when i stand with him
i started to call A.P the girl
i needed to tell her bout this
i needed to get this out
YES i was jealous
YES i was pissed off too
if he had a girlfriend i should know about it
but i didnt
but then again i didnt know for sure she was his gf
A.P the girl never answered
and yeah
so we got on the bus
i thought maybe i can talk to him on the bus when this girl wasnt around
but she went on the bus too
which made me more sad
the bus then stopped at his primary school
and we saw his brother and L.N
L.N saw me and waved with a smile
i smiled back and put up the peace sign
he then got off at his bus stop
but before he got off he said bye to the girl
it seemed he bended down to kiss her
either on the cheek or lips idk
but i know he doesnt like the cheeking thing
so it might of been a kiss
i really dont know
he then went off the bus
without a bye to me
which made me more sad
i saw him as the bus started to drive away
he smiled
an awkward smile
not his usual happy smile
idk maybe i was being stupid
i told my sister i was going to go A.C the girls house
we then stopped at the shops
so i can buy my usual after school food
a sausage roll and drink
but we saw A.P the guy and one of the boys A.I
i then full ran to him
and hugged him
he asked me what was wrong
asking if it was HIM and stuff
and then i started describing this girl to them
and by the look on their faces i knew they knew who i was talking about
so i asked the next obvious question
when they didnt answer me the first time
i asked again
and they told me
it was some girl HE hooked up with
at a party i'm guessing
but they told me not to worry cause she like that with him
thats she is a slut and all that
that she is a skank and shit
and that should of made me feel better but it didnt
i just started crying
i kept hugging A.P the guy
i started to tell them how she was acting the way i do around him
and like i asked if i was a slut and shit too
they said i wasnt and yeah
well i stopped crying and just told them i was going A.C the girls house
A.P the guy hugged me bye
and they told me not to worry
cause she is noone
that HE said to them that he will never go for her
and it made me kinda glad
cause it seemed none of his friends liked her
or something
i then left them to keep eating
and walked to get my food and go to A.C the girl's
i walked to her house
but she wasnt home
so i just walked home
and started to write here
A.P the guy messaged me saying how HE isnt gonna go for her
and yeah
but idk
i had gotten used to the girls at school
but i realised i dont know all the girls from outside of school
how come i didnt know about this girl
how come he didnt tell me
i thought we were bestfriends
i dont know how many hook ups he's had
we never talked about that stuff
i dont want to be another number to him
i'm his bestfriend
like we havent done shit
in a way thats good
idk sometimes i'm fed up of loving him
but its not like i can stop
i love him too much
but i just find out more stuff about him
and like everytime it makes me sad
cause its not with me
i need to realise that
but that girl acts the same way i do with him
does that make me a slut too
does that make me another girl in his life
does that make me unimportant

no matter who he is
i promise to love him
no matter what he has done
i'll love him
i just cant stop loving him
i just get hurt so easy
get jealous too easy
i need to put my feelings aside to really be a good bestfriend
i need to accept him for everything he is
no matter what he has done
i love him very much
i just hope i dont become another number
no matter what we end up becoming
as long as we stay bestfriends forever
i shouldnt complain