Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Hi

sorry guys for like not writing in so long
well i cant talk long but i'll fill you in on what is up
well i'm still in love with him
each and everyday gets easier
cause i have him there as my bestfriend
i hug him every time i see him
and let him know i'm still here always
it has been awesome
exams are almost over
i have 1 more left
COMMUNITY AND FAMILY STUDIES ><"
on friday i went to AJ RAFAEL'S CONCERT
which was heaps hectic :)
i got to meet him
and his sister Jasmine
and like i got a photo and his autograph
but the photo i am still waiting to get on the site
he is such a great performer
other performers were good too
like this guy i found cute
he catches my bus
i got introed to him by my bestfriend, HIM
LOL they went to primary together
it was good
EVERYONE that performed that night were awesome
it was such a crazy and fun night
lots of screaming
and waiting in lines LOL
it was awesome the whole thing
like ended up going home like almost 2am
the next day (saturday)
went shopping with the fam bam
it was fun
me and my sister are gonna go shopping someday
cause i need new clothes LOL
i bought a harddrive for my computer
for back up
and such
and now
i'm just transfering everything onto it from the comp LOL
dont want it to waste easily :S
i also bought like books
for study
i figured out after i came home that for one of them i bought the wrong book
but i dont want to tell my rents cause they will FREAK
cause the book is non refundable and yeah
but oh well
i decided i'm just gonna buy it myself, cause my dad is giving me and my little sister money from his tax refund
which is also the reason why i am going shopping
and give the one i bought to my little sister cause she does that subject
ALSO, before i forget
i kinda had a TIFF with my big bro
i ended up crying
and like went through a night of saddness
i wrote this little note to myself; (yes i am sharing it with you all);

"i'm sensitive
i get it
sometimes i can't take a joke
so what
it's how i am
i'm born with such a short line
in which i can get angry, sad, happy in short seconds
and i can change emotions rapidly
you'd think my family knew that
if i dont get any feeling of acceptance and approval
i break down in tears
if i dont get treated properly
or if i am laughed at
or teased
or simly just made fun of or embarassed
i cry
i cant help it
it has been a problem for way too long
thats why i went to the councellor back in the days
due to me having depression
i suffered depression, stress, anxiety
in my life
and i thought i was over it
sometimes i am
lately i have been so happy
but little things now affect me in such a way
i hate it
sometimes i think
what would have been like if i did commit suicide
if i did get run over by that car
or truck
or bus
what would change
i guess i would be missed
but how much would i affect them
my family i mean
i know my siblings dont mean to treat me this way
i guess they love me
but i cant help but feel different
an outsider
idk
i wish it was different
i wish i was different
i wish
i love my siblings very much
and my dad too
but sometimes
idk why i am treated differently
as if i wasnt born into this family
like their not my real family
maybe its because i am kinda smart
i know i am smarter than them
but is that any reason to treat me like a freak
i know i read a lot
or use big words
or write in a way that only makes sense to me
but why should that affect how my own family treats me
i'm tired of this
of me
of my life being about how i feel
i'm tired of been happy then sad
been sad then angry
then happy again
it should be like that
idk if the rest of my family knows i've suffered deep depression
from all the pressure, stress and negativity in my life
idk if they know how deeply affected i was when the love of my life broke my heart
i guess i havent been able to express myself to them
like i have been with my bestfriends, my little sister and the school councellor
i'm not like any other teenager
sure i have some of the same dramas
and sometimes i act like a little child
but i seem to suffer more
when it comes to emotions
i know others, my age suffer more than i do
in many ways
but is that any excuse for me to forget about how i feel
how i'm coping
i dont want to be judge
but i am
i dont want to be embarassed
but i am
i just want to be normal
but i'm not
i'm tired
sick of it all
sick of being a teenager
sick of being myself
sick of it ALL"

yes i was going through alot that day
but i am fine now
its just every now and again
but then i can just think
about how wonderful everything else is
how HE makes me happy
how i feel so lucky to have HIM in my life
i love him so much
he makes me smile and laugh
when i feel like crying :)
i love bestfriend very much <3

thanks everyone for sticking by me
sorry i havent been writing much
just EXAMS ><"

i miss him so much already :(
i just get so excited when i see him
or when i talk about him
and even when he calls my name
i love him with my soul
today, tomorrow and the forever after that
<3

i'll try and write again soon
<3