Sunday, December 5, 2010


another venting moment;

i've been feeling really down today
and a bit yesterday
i dont exactly know why
maybe cause i've become really involved in A.C's new thingy
i basically spent the day talking to the pair
idk its getting me down
i've begun to think of my ex
and of HIM
and how things arent moving forward and shit
i miss my ex sometimes
when i get lonely
and i miss HIM everyday
cause i'm like in love with him
but nothing much has changed between us two since i told him
its been basically the same
i guess thats whats getting me down
i really wanna be with someone
to experience a relationship in full
not just half of it
i want the real deal
i want it so bad that the world is making sure i dont get it
i'm at the point where i'd probably say yes to anyone
even though i really dont want to
i just wanna say yes to one person
if only he would ask me
HIM i want him to finally realise it
that the time we spent not together is a waste
as we were meant to be from the start

but then i think about my ex
how whenever i hear his name
or see him sign online
or whenever his name comes up on my facebook
i cant help but miss him
and wonder if he still thinks about me too
if he still misses me like he did before
if it really is always and forever
me and him
like the first day were together

i love HIM
but why am i still hung up on my ex
i think to myself WHY??
i remember all the shit he put me through
all the bad he did
and all the pain he caused me
but then there is so much good to remember
his hugs
his lovely words
his love

i helped him believe
and he helped me trust
but in the end
we both lost
with me feeling like i lost the most
idk anymore
he was a big part of me
as you can tell
i do talk about him alot
he was my first love
i can still remember the first time he told me he loved me
i was hugging him
and as i leaned my head on his shoulders
he said "i love you"
and i was not expecting it and said thank you
the next day i went up to him
and said it for the first time
the first time i ever really meant it to anyone
and then we said it would be always and forever
how no matter what we'd be together
in each others lives
till the day we die

he treated me like i was worth it
and made me feel special
until the final days
when i guess he had enough
and ended it
i became lost
i sat in the dark
with a blade in my hand
wishing it was over
i lost the one guy i love with everything
my heart was gone
all i ever did after that was cry
and everytime i saw him i cried
everytime someone mentioned him i cried
i cried so much i couldnt keep my eyes open

it was hard
i lost an important part of myself that day
my heart
my will to love
i hung on for a while
i saw him at school until he dropped out
i hung on to some hope that he would love me again
that he would come back in my life
that we would be together again
that all of it was a mistake
that it really was always and forever
it took me a year or so to realise
that he wasnt coming back
that he was gone
that it really was over
i cried some more
i couldnt believe that someone so important to me
could leave so easily

after a while i fell in love with someone else
i couldnt believe that i could love again but i did
he helped me put together the pieces of my heart
he helped me get through missing my ex
and even today i still thank him
and LOVE him with all my heart
my repaired heart

he may not be mine like my ex was
but in some way i know he wont ever leave me
he's my bestfriend
the one i love the most out of everyone
he is my present and my future
he is what i look for in my future boyfriend and husband
he's different

as i sit here typing
i wonder who thinks of me more
my bestfriend or my ex
idk really
my ex keeps coming back in my life
by telling me things i want to hear
like he still loves me
that he always did
that i was different
that i was important

my bestfriend lets me know
that we'll be bestfriends forever
that i mean something to him
that i'm important
that he really cares about me
just not in the way i want him to
but i know there is something there
i can feel it
i can see it
everyone can
except for him

so i wait and wait
and wonder what is next
what is left for me to do
who do i actually love more
when will it all change
when will i truly be happy again
when will it be my time to be loved
the way i want to be

i wonder
am i the only one missing out
i'm i looking to hard
that i'm missing the big picture
am i there yet
at the place everyone else is

i'll never stop loving my ex
he was my first and will always matter to me
and i dont want to forget anything me and him shared

but i wait for my bestfriend to make a move
but nothing
and i sit and wonder
should i message my ex
let him know i miss him
when really i wanna message my bestfriend
and tell him how much i love him
but it would just cross the line
he made
to stop me ruinning what we already have

i dont wanna play this game anymore
i dont wanna follow the rules
i just wanna be loved
loved by him
the way my ex loved me
but more better
i wanna have what everyone else has
i want someone to share the rest of my life with
i want HIM
and since school ended i dont give a shit anymore
i'm gonna say it here
maybe people dont read this
but i wanna always remember how much i loved him
so after a whole year i'll write his name here
i love you with all my heart
and dont give a shit if people read this
i cant stand the thought that we wont be together
i cant
i'm just now waiting for you to realise it all
to know i love you with all my heart
that you have helped me move on
you helped me realise that there is hope for me
that im worthy of something
i just wish someday you'd see it too
that what we do together
how we spend our time together
how i feel for you
and how you may or maynot feel for me
is important
that it makes us what we are today
not only bestfriends
but proof that our friendship is special

i still hold on to that little hope that someday he will change his mind
that he will want to be with me
but for now i sit here
waiting for you
and typing
and venting
my feeling for you

i maybe wrong
but right now i dont care
all i know is that i love you very much
and that will never change

yes i miss my ex every now and again
but those feelings dont compare to you
how you make me feel
i love you so much
it hurts me

and now i continue to wait
and wait
and wait
for you

P.S to my readers if i have any
sorry this post is everywhere
my mind is everywhere atm
just felt like venting
and sharing my thoughts with everyone
if you dont understand i'm sorry
but thanks for reading