Friday, March 18, 2011

Answering the Question Facebook asks me

"Whats on your mind?"

well this is whats on my mind
a wise man once said
"its not about healing fear, for we'll always be frightened"
right now in my life, I AM FRIGHTENED

im scared of so much
my life
my future
everything ><"

have you ever been so scared of everything
that stupid things make you upset?
well thats kinda how im feelings
not really anything in my life is going wrong
but it isnt perfect either

right now at my computer i feel scared
i feel sad
i wanna cry but i wont
i wanna be strong
i wanna keep it in
the only people i think i can tell is you guys

the other night a stupid driver
almost smashed into my family car
inside was me, my older sister and my mum
we were turning
cause the light was green
and this stupid driver ran a red light
almost straight into us
i remember screaming
and then getting dizzy and feeling sick
i wanted to throw up
i was so scared
i was so scared to die
i didnt tell anyone about this
well till now
not even my little sister knows
i've thought about telling her
she knows everything
but idk if i should

i guess everyone is scared of dying
some accept it
some dont
some believe you never really completely die
but i believe it
i believe i'll come back as something better
but idk
that sometimes seems stupid

i sit here, scared shitless
i sit and think my life wont turn out the way i want to turn out
here's a few stories to show how i started to get scared
i think
remember im a girl so i worry about girly things

i've already told you why i'm scared of dying
so here was a bit of the rest

a week ago or something
i was talking to my parents with my sisters
it was lovely
we started talking about children
grandchildren for my rents
i know we're all pretty young but yeah
my parents want a girl to be named lorraine
so i said i'd name my girl lorraine
then we started talking about guy names
and i have always wanted to name my boy, Kenneth
and so i told them that
why kenneth you might ask
well when i was dating my ex
i found out his middle name is kenneth
and i fell in love with it
and promised i'd name my child kenneth
even after we broke up
i still intend to name my child kenneth
after this whole discussion
i started to think what if i dont have a girl
who will name their child lorraine
or WORSE
what if in the future i cant have children
i got scared
scared that i'll never have children
maybe that was the reason behind why i wanted to work with children
as a way to prepare myself in case i cant have any
which scares me to death
cause i've always wanted to have children
and make a family
THATS ONE FRIGHT I HAVE

A few days ago, we were all watching the new season of one tree hill
OKAY stop reading if you dont want spoilers
i'm talking about season 8 btw
.
.
.
.
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well Brooke gets married to Julian
which i love
but the only problem with their wedding is the fact that her father didnt come
so her mother walked her down the aisle and gave her away
and Julian's dad gave her, her first dance
i started to get scared when i was talking to my dad
he was saying goodnight to me
and i went up to him and said
"you'll come to my wedding right, you have to give me away"
he said "OF COURSE i will, why wouldnt i"
but for a long time now
i've been scared
you see, my dad is sick
well kinda
he has a lot of health hazards
which he is working through now
he is actually being more healthy now
which is good
but back to the point
he used to tell us
that he might not be around when we get married
or when we have children
which always made me cry
but now he's really being strong
and being healthy and safe
but its still something we sometimes have to consider.
i remember when he was admitted to hospital
i came home from school
to find out he was in hospital
he stayed there for a day or 2
and i remember trying to be strong
but when i was left with him
i talked to him
and cried
cause i was so scared he would die
and then he said to me
"i'm not going anywhere yet, i'm gonna be at your wedding"
i cried but then got strong for him
it was good that he got to come home
and its good he's getting much better now
but it still lies in the back of my mind
that maybe he wont be there
that someday it'll be his turn to join my grandparents.
also im scared maybe i'll never get married but thats another story.

i watched some movies with my little sister tonight
we watched A cinderella story and Another cinderella story
and i know its just a movie
but im so afraid i'll never have my own story
like how i met the perfect guy
i'm scared i'll never meet anyone
granted im a teen
but i fall for someone so easily
just to get my heart broken
time and time again
it makes me so tired of it
the chase
the whole drama
and emotion
ever since HIM, i havent seemed to think there will be anyone else
i keep saying i dont like anyone
and in a way i dont right now
but some times i look at my phone, facebook, email and msn
to see if he messaged me
if he tried to talk to me again
to see if he realised im the one
even though im kinda hating him
in a way
idk
am i too desperate
or am i just waiting to get swooped off my feet
i feel im ready for it
for the whole relationship
for the commitment
for the life choice
i guess i have been ready for a long time
but when will i find that guy
if i ever find that guy
i wish i will
but inside me i just dont have that confidence that i will
the world is pretty small
and everyone knows everyone
and in my area, everyone knows everyone
and you hardly meet anyone new
thats why im scared i wont meet anyone
anyone who can put up with WHO I AM
cause i know i wont change
even if i tried
this links to how im scared i wont get married

There is so much im scared of;
like i'll never get a job cause im picky
like my career wont take off cause im not in school yet
like im gonna be a lazy ass bum for the rest of my life cause all i ever do is stay home

i'm trying so hard
i'm trying to get a job
i'm trying to find school
i'm trying to be active
i'm trying but still im scared
IM INSANE ><"

the final thing i feel like mentioning
is my fear of losing people
my family, friends , anyone i know
thats fear has been around forever
to lose someone important
either through death or just separation
like drifting apart
i'm so afraid of that
as you could probably tell from my last posts

i know i got a couple of people i know reading this
and i appreciate that
but i think its best you dont tell anyone this
its just my "diary"
someday i'll share this with my family
but for now
it's just words on the internet

even if all these things happen
that i get a job
that i get an education
that i have a career
that i meet someone
that we get married
that my dad will be around to give me away
that he'll be around to see my children
that i'll have children
that everything i'm afraid of doesnt happen
that i do get a happy life
in the end i'll always have something that im scared or afraid of
something that will frighten me
i might not know what it is now
but like what that wise man once said
"its not about healing fear, for we'll always be frightened"
we might not know what we'll be scared of
but we will always be afraid of something
either death, losing everything or something important like that
we'll always be afraid
even if we dont wanna be

i hope this post isnt too confusing
or depressing
i just really wanted to write this post
i've been thinking about it for a very long time

well goodnight all
i hope you all are loving life
be happy
even when i'm not
be happy for me
i love you all
<3